Unknown Peccadillo

they say "the earlier the breakup, the less pain". well, they said wrong. if they were right, i wouldn't be feeling this way now. i wouldn't be regretting. i wouldn't be thinking 'how could i have been so stupid??'. most of all, i wouldn't be missing you. i know i really shouldn't be. i promised you and myself, plus everybody else dosen't think you're worth it. i really don't want to. why am i so un-selfcontrolled? why can't i just stop thinking so much about you and how it had been, how i could have been? i mean as i painfully watch you limping, i really wish i could do something to help, i wish i could have supported you the way i never did. i really miss you. and i can't stop thinking about this...
i've been trying this whole week already. trying to get you off my mind. trying to get a distraction. i thought i found one in someone. but... i don't know. its so complicated. so messed up. like my crapshit life. i don't know what to do. don't know if what im doing is right. don't know if you'd ever love me the way i do. if only i could just see into your hearts and minds, then i'll really know what you think of me, what you expect from me, what im going to have to do. well, i can't. so, im just left here staring at a blank white wall, unable to grasp anything from it. no cracks, but yet again, no beautification. nothing. unsure of everything. why can't you just tell me?? it'll really make things so much easier. it'll make the path of this life much clearer. please, just help me. please. you're neither in nor out. i don't know if you'll ever going to be in my life. or maybe im just fated to have this. maybe its suppose to mould me into a better person. maybe i must clear this obstacle, cuz if i find an easy way out, its just going to come back worse than before. i don't know. why can't somebody show me something? show me a sign, show me the truth. everything, something, anything. i don't care. just please help me. but i don't think that'll ever happen. you won't even know that i mean you. you won't know that you're the one causing all this. you won't know what i really am feeling, about you and everything else. you won't know. but if you do, heres me saying. i love you.
thanks a lot. thanks a whole freaking lot...