Wake Up time

okay this whole week has been hectic shit, major mood swings. things are so difficult when there isn't a special someone there with you anymore. but i just got to cope with it i guess. unless...

oh wells. this weekend is suppose to be my super slack weekend cuz next week only has 2 tests that aren't that difficult. but it somehow dosen't feel that way. i still have this unexplanable stress thats inside and i don't know whats causing it. so irritating..

im wondering if its cuz of me song leading tmr. i don't know. maybe im right. i mean JonLim really put the whole song leading thing in a way that's got me thinking. i mean we haven't really put in that extra effort that we should be putting in. and we really haven't left a good impression on the parents you know. and even though i wasn't in there during praise and worship last weekend, i really feel that Jon was spot on. and i really want to do well tmr. i don't want it to be a lacklustre praise and worship where the kids can just go hyper on us and make things really difficult for us. i don't want to choose songs which have been sung over and over and over again that even the kids realise it. i don't want it to be a dissappointing time for God. so, im really trying. but im afraid you know. im afraid i wouldn't do it well. its difficult for me. arduous... but at least now i really see what the older teachers were seeing back in 2007. ah wells, i don't want this to be a rant about cm and stuff. so yea, you know what, i guess thats really the stress that i've been putting on myself. oh wells... just got to pray and trust in God i guess.
anyways, putting that aside, yesterday, i was flipping through my kindergarten final year(1999) yearbook. and found some really dope stuff.

firstly, the whole book is like litter with my work. im like the ultimate student of 1999. its got like 7 or 8 drawings and compos. not including the pictures. but maybe cuz my mum was teaching that year. but i doubt that thats the reason cuz... long story.

next, theres a whole lot of people my age from my kindergarten who went either my primary school or secondary school. 10 in total. plus LukeTang and JosephPoon that'll make 12. dope.

finally, this

whos been cool since the old skool days? aw yea, its mr snow angel. okay thats gay. but, alas, dope!

okay. guess im really reliving my childhood nowadays. anyways, im thinking this reminiscing also causing a lil bit of the stress. i mean kindergarten is like the slackest days of your life. compared to now... okay, it can't be compared. oh and also, somehow i still remember back then when i had a friggin crush on some girl and as i recall, it was sick, as in like a storybook kind of thing. hmmm... oh and somehow, i've never forgotten how the last day of kindergarten went. alas, my childhood really ain't that fun.

okay. the end. please tag more if you come. my tagboard still rather dead and useless.

Take me home

well guys, life really sucks. especially when you lose everything you love right at the moment your life gets busier. its so difficult. so much stress but no one to hear me out. all i can do is sit in my chair and stone, filled with so many thoughts flying around in my mind. i wish i could spill it all out. but i cant. i cant tell anyone about it. cuz no one would understand. nobody would really help. nobody... but you. i wish you were still by my side, with me. life would be so much better. life wouldn't be a festival of pain. life would be back to the way it was. but why? why am i still missing you so much? why must i miss you so much? i don't want to. but i can't control my heart and the way it wants to be. it wishes to be back with yours. next to yours. together... but, alas, for i know its not to be. and i'd probably never have you in my arms again. all i have left is this ugly regret. i look at myself in the mirror and remember all the mistakes i made. every single one. how it made everything disappear within such a short time. and how it can never be undone. how it'll stay there in my heart forever, wishing i could just press Ctrl-Z and we'd be back in December where i can redo what i had done wrong. but thats not reality. thats not how this wretched world works. all i can do, and what i must do now, is just to put those remorse away behind me. i would... if i could. but i just can't! i can't live like this. i really can't. how i wish i could just die and leave behind this agony-filled place. this place called Earth. no i don't want to be an astronaut. i want my time to come. my time to enter into the place where our souls dwell. where there won't be anymore heartbreaks and stressed-filled minds. to pass away... to die... how beautiful. how much livelier i'd be... how i wouldn't have to go through the trials and tribulations of this unforgiving world. thats my wish. thats my plea... my plea to be brought away forever.
Dear God, please take me home...

I Wish the Best for You

How long can we wait here
To say goodbye?
The words once they're spoken
Are words that we can't take

Back to where we were, before
Things got in the way
Life gets so confusing
When you know what you're losing

You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best for you

We'll both regret the hurting
That we will do
You'll learn to forget me
And I'll try
I'll try to forget...

You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best

If you ever need a place that you can run to
I'll be here,
I'll be here

You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best for you







moving on, my dear, is painful but necessary.
im sorry for the things i've done to you. but thank you. thank you for understanding. thank you for being so accepting. thank you.
i will always be here for you. forever and ever. im here. for you. always will be. for the rest of this life.
thank you, my dear, for those wonderful memories i will never forget, forever in my heart.
i wish the best for you...

i dont know. i dont know whether to hate or love weekends. it definitely a way to get away from all the stress i get in school. but every weekend, something happens. something just must happen to me. i can never have a perfect weekend again. nothing will ever get back to normal. weekends used to be the best days of life. but ever since you were gone, i dont see the point of having weekends. i just get another problem from the weekends. as if the weekdays dont torture me enough. i dont get it. is my life a torture chamber that never ends unless my time comes? every week is a dying feeling. weekdays are for me to get stressed up by school and studies. and weekends are for me to have emotional torment. and every moment in every minute of every day is for me to think about you. everything is this damned world has some connection to you in one way or another. everything. everybody. all these is just reminding me of you. reminding me of how it had been, how it is, how it could have been. i want to stop caring. i want to forget you. i want to let you go. but i cant. i just cant. i million nails have stucked you down onto my mind. no hammer can ever remove them. you're just going to be there forever. i cant do anything about it even if i wanted. sure, i can stop loving you. but i'll never ever forget you. never ever stop thinking about you. never ever forget every moment with you. cuz now thats its over, im in a void.
thanks for the memories.

Mistakes

Mistakes. i'd told myself, promised myself, swore to myself. that i'd never let one slip through. i'd thought i was capable enough, was disciplined enough, was mature enough. i was wrong. now i know it wasn't you who was immature. it was none other than this damfool imbecile. this piece of crap. never thinking before i leap. now i've leapt. leapt into a deep, dark, bottomless pit of pain and anguish. nothing can get me out of it. nothing. nobody. continuosly falling more and more into the hole. all attempts to shout for help will be in vain. no one will be there to throw a rope down. nobody will stop me from falling lower and lower. but this pit does have an end. death. so i guess it a lifefull of agony for me. nothing to grab on. nobody to pull me to safety. left there for eventual quietus. nobody seems to be there for me anymore. nobody ever will. goodbye...

Valentine's Day

okay. i know i havent posted for some time. but now, i dont even know if anybody's coming my blog at all. so if you do come, please tag. oh and yea. i put up a tagboard so i would know if the blog is still alive and stuff. okay. so anyways, havent posted much cuz i was really busy and all. you guys should know all about it ehh.. well, school sucks. a hell lot. higher chinese keeps making things all the better. oh wells, got to freaking tahan a whole year more before i can finally get out of this school and get to poly or lasalle. im still not so sure about what im going to choose yet. but well, now is 2 choices: music and audio tech(sp)/sonic arts(rp) OR popular music - bass(lasalle). so yea.. i kinda wish i can do both. that'd be sick. i'll be like timbaland or something. but, oh wells, what can singapore have in store for me? nothing much i guess. but, alas, time will tell its tale.
so anyways, today is valentine's day so i had guessed that i should just post an 'emo' post or something cuz after... yea. you should know. well, i kinda wrote a song for Vday. its very simple plan-ish. and it only has one verse. so yea. here goes...

On this Valentine's Day,
I wish you had stayed.
I wish you hadn't led me astray.
On this Valentine's Day,
I only feel regret.
All the pain of each sunset.

But its no use.
Its no use~

This time i wont regret.
This time i will forget.
This time i won't miss you anymore~
This time that you are gone,
This time I will move on.
I won't miss you anymore~

We'd thought it would last
But thats now in the past
This relationship has gone so fast
Forever,
I'd never
Miss you again~...

This time i wont regret.
This time i will forget.
This time i won't miss you anymore~
This time that you are gone,
This time I will move on.
I won't miss you anymore~

No more,
No more,
No more~
No more,
No more,
No more~.....






lonely valentine #16

Accidentally in Love

by the son of ZHU HOU REN ->
and the son of BernardYeo

Nostalgia

woah. i hate it. i hate it so bad. i hate nostalgia. i know its the name of my blog and all, but i really hate it! i really do... and to you guys who don't know what it means, it means "a sentimental yearning for the past". well, i guess almost everybody has had this feeling before. its so bittersweet, so beautiful yet painful. yea... it hurts. it really really does... every thought that comes to my mind almost immediately fills up my brain with feelings i know very well, thoughts of you. i know i don't want to care about all this anymore, but its really very difficult. it really is... it really was just so beautiful. like a fairy tale which jumped out of its book. like a drama series which comes into reality. no words can really describe how it felt and was back in the past. the happiest memories of my entire life have turned into excruciating agony for this fragile heart. my mind suddenly turns back time just to remember the wonderful moments in my life, and suddenly the beautiful scene turns into pitch black wall of darkness and distress for me. rare joyous unforgettable times have become decriments to me. i feel the misery swirling all over inside me. filling me up with this nostalgia. all over, i cant feel contentment in life anymore. i just wish this nostalgia would all be of the amazing moments in the past, and that it would stay that way forever. would someone just end this misery? help me...

I Wont wait anymore

guess you guys were right all along. from the very start. i just didnt heed your warnings. from the very start, you guys were already warning me about THE relationship. well, you guys were hella right. bastards. why must you guys be right?? i so freaking wanted to prove all you guys wrong. i really thought we would. i really though we could. but... just look. its pathetic. utterly worse than i ever thought it'd become. you keep saying you still love me. BULLSHIT. what a bunch of crapped out lies. nonsense. i should never have believed you. stupid little me. always being so naive. so freaking immature. dammit. why must i be such an idiot? why?? should really have listened to you guys. i really should have. what a dumbass. what a freaking moronic dumbass. hate my life. hate myself. i have a bloody low self esteem. shit.
this time's different my dear. this time, i wont be regretting. i wont be missing you. no more. the old pathetic me will not wait for you anymore. there really isn't any point in doing so anymore. you just dont get it do you. you could just take all this for granted. you think im some kind of playtoy you can get entertained by for awhile, then when you get bored of it, you throw it aside like trash. treating me like trash. you think it'll help? no. freaking no! dammit. what you're gonna love me forever as long as i love you. what a bunch of horse shit. see what happened?? i really dont think you kept that promise. empty promises. this damned relationship was full of it eh? bloody hell. but, i really dont want to care anymore. i really really dont want to anymore. even though its really gonna be difficult to let you go. but no. i will not care anymore. i WILL NOT. for forever, this IS goodbye. no more trying to be nice to you so you'd take me back. no more. cuz as hard as i try, SOMEONE dosen't really want to talk to me eh? EH?? so yea. goodbye. goodbye forever. im sorry i ever wasted my time and sooooo much money and that insane amount of love on you. that is my regret. you are not. no more regretting that it ended. no more. so, we'll probably never ever talk again. but i really dont want to care about that. i really dont. and this time, i WON'T. so yea. for the last time, goodbye.



cuz i just cant take it.
another day without you with me, is like a blade that cuts right through me.
but i won't wait. i won't wait anymore.
when you call, my heart stops beating.
when you're gone, it won't stop bleeding.
but i won't wait. i won't wait anymore...

Animal Farm

My Future and some really dope shit

i've been thinking about my future. so after secondary4, whats next? am i really going to poly? i dont know. maybe cuz i dont have a magical ball to see the future. but the thing is, im starting to think about the arts schools like NAFA and Lasalle. woah. they are the shit. but its really going to be difficult to get in either one. but anyways, the 2 things im thinking about for this entry: bass and bboy. its gonna be real difficult to get in either one. mainly cuz i dont have a background for either one. so anyways, i really need some opinions and stuff. i need to make a choice. soon. so yea. whoever who comes here, please comment. i really need some opinions. like if you think i really wouldnt be able to make it, just say i suck at blah-blah, and some constructive crticism for me. i really cant screw things up at this point. thanks dudes and dudettes all over.

okay next, is a few really sick/dope/ill shit. if you dont what art is, this is it:

and you thought the 'Mona Lisa' was nice. how insane is this?? its crazy. well, its my friend's one. so credit to her. lets hear a 'woot woot'. okay. want to see more of her drawings? go to http://www.thefreddiebirdshop.blogspot.com/. dopeshit. oh another one is http://www.blublu.org/. no pictures from that dude on my blog (i think its copyrighted). well, this is ill. unbelievable crazy. its something you'd go goo-goo-gaa-gaa for. so yea.

oh and to the people who screwed my lovely table and my personalised chair, lets all give you 3 cheers for your childishness. im pretty sure we all know how you guys really are. oh wells, no use giving shit about you 'L's. more importantly, let us take time to remember the table for what it was,how it was and its beauty, and not for how immaturity is highlighted in its death. so heres a memorial for it:

and one last thing, that coconut really needs a shave. and a lollipop.

rest well my dear. the day approaches. ever so invitingly. hope things turn out better than ever this time. i love you... always.

More than meets the Eye

A Metaphor

time's up for this camel's back.
no more.
i cant continue,
i cant go on.
i cant tolerate this anymore.

the last straw has been placed.
its broken.
this is it,
this is over.
this is the time i took a stand.

maybe im just weak.
maybe this load really aint heavy.
maybe im wrong,
maybe i can go on.

no!
my mind is made.
i will not flee,
i will resolve it.
resolve all these straws.
now.



time's up for me... time for me to go. time for me to leave this world.
no more. no more of this. please... i dont want to bear with all this shit life is throwing at me anymore. please...
I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

Im loving it

isnt that great? eh? now my hand cant stop trembling. thanks a hell lot. happy now? happy that you can force us into doing stuff utterly unnesscary? wonderful. just wonderful. we all cant be any more grateful for you giving a pile shitass shit to memorise for no particular use. memorise bull we'll possible never ever use in our lives. i really think its a great idea you know. i really think so. its awesome aint it? awesome to force us into working our asses off for nothing. marvellous. it really is marvellous eh? best feeling in the world!
dammit! dammit man! i really dont get it you know. what do want from me? how much do you expect me to come up with?? you think im such a knowledge-absorber eh.. i just need a split second and i have a whole damned encyclopedia in my head. eh? thats what you want aint it?? you think i can give you that? well, yea!! yea if you could somehow dig out this brain and stuff a bloody encyclopedia in it! bloody fool. if thats all i can give, thats all you should expect. i wont do more if cant do anymore. everybody's potential has freaking limit. learn that! dammit. you want a shit long essay. you want gayshit china handwriting. you want us to be able to tolerate it all. how much more?? i suggest you just rip out our muscles and brains and fingers, and just replace all those. then maybe you'll get what you want. eh?
you so freaking dont know how much i have to go thru bcuz of this shit. you really dont. well, cuz its not like you care. good results and a good report. thats all you want. well, you're not gonna get either this year, arse. hurray for you.
stress. freaking bitch. i really cant take much more. this is just one bloody subject. what if there comes more? well, one answer: DIE. well, yea. thats possibly the best idea i'll ever have. i really should just die. then all this crap will end. no more stress. no more bullcrap. no more intolerable shit. then, i'll be happy...
so, just kill me. shoot me. burn me. stab me. incinerate me. crush me. poison me. hadugen me. i dont care how. just end this shit. now. please... i need it.

Cauliflower Superpower: Protector of the Crowned Veges

heres proof that i aint emoing no more...

For the Better

woah. how things can take a huge turn around with just a few words. well, things have changed now. changed a lot. i just cant believe how all this happened so quickly. one moment, i thought i'd never speak to you again. the next moment and everything's almost back to normal. almost... well, really thank all those people who cared (Abigail, Vivien, Lixuan and Lihui especially). thanks you guys... but of course, most importantly, i thank God. yeps.
so, now since im no more Mr. Suddenly-emo-and-it-scares-everbody, im back to normal. i guess... so anyways, since this blog was actually put up cuz i really had to speak out everything in my mind, now, there isnt much emo stuff to put up. (well, maybe occasionally, i'll put emo stuff up.) so, this blog moreorless is my portfolio. will try to put up nicer stuff, i havent really been getting the creative juices i need (and most of my past 'work' are on my table and stuff. and i dont want to put up pictures i've taken with my fone.)
so anyways, now that my blog has taken a turn in the way its gonna be, i guess i want you guys to comment more on my pictures and stuff. like say which ones are better. how i can improve. and other related feedback. so yea... support support. thanks.

Music connects

Your Guardian Angel

When I see your smile,
Tears roll down my face I can't replace.
And now that I'm strong, I have figured out,
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul.
And I know I'll find deep inside me,
I can be the one.

I will never let you fall.
I'll stand up with you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all.
Even if saving you sends me to heaven.

It's okay,
It's okay,
It's okay...

Seasons are changing,
And waves are crashing,
And stars are falling all for us.
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter,
I can show you I'll be the one.

I will never let you fall.
I'll stand up with you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all.
Even if saving you sends me to heaven.

'Cause you're my, you're my, my...
My true love, my whole heart.
Please don't throw that away.
'Cause I'm here... for you!
Please don't walk away and,
Please tell me you'll stay!

Use me as you will!
Pull my strings just for a thrill!
And I know I'll be okay,
Though my skies are turning grey!

I will never let you fall!
I'll stand up with you forever!
I'll be there for you through it all,
Even if saving you sends me to heaven!

I will never let you fall...
I'll stand up with you forever...

I will always be here for you dear. Always for forever, til the end of time. I'll be your shoulder to cry on, your pillow to rest on. Forever. I'll be your Guardian Angel.

Realising ever too late

i dont know what i've been feeling, but my heart's been telling me something throughout this whole incident. so, i've now realised stuff. realised i've been finding and finding and finding distractions to get my mind off you, consciously and not. why? why am i doing this to myself? well, i came to an answer. an answer which i rather not accept. but there isnt much of a choice. so, this is what i know. i know i really truly still love you. i havent once stopped loving you, but now i really know how much it has been the whole time. its a feeling i've never felt for anyone before. never. so, i know. i know you're more than just another girl to me. you're special. you're different in a wonderful way i could never explain through mere words. but, unfortunately, this feelings, they hurt. this feelings make me feel empty. empty all over inside. this hole which was once there but you'd filled up, is now back and bigger than ever. nothing. abosolutely nothing could possibly fill it up. so, i've realised how much you've meant to me. though, i've realised this before, this time, its too much for me to bear. i cant take all this much more. the pain is horrendous. its difficult... its difficult to understand what is going on. now i know i love you ever so much, but... i dont know. i dont know if im the right guy for you. as much as i love you, i dont know whether i'll be able to be the great guy i should be for you. i really dont know. i love you so much. but, alas, it just dosent seem like we were meant to be. i dont know... but i really hope what im saying is untrue. i miss you...

Freakshow in my mind

Resolutions for the Remainder

i have decided. i have decided how im going to live out this life of mine. sure, it isnt the best one. but i've got to do something about it. i know who im gonna be from now on.
nice. a nice person. stereotypical? nope. even though its really hasnt been paying off for me when im nice, i've decided to be a nice guy from now on. no more ben the asshole/bastard. i dont want to be the guy who always seems to be so mean to you guys and gals. cuz you people in school really havent seen the good, nice side of me yet. so yea... simply put, im gonna ask before taking something.
emotions. they suck. really really suck. so, im not gonna ever give in to them again. no way. no more letting my emotions get the better of me. cuz you were right shijuen. i am too emotional, and thats not doing any good. it really aint. so yea... emotions, you can get lost. im not gonna feel anymore. no matter how hard things get, i'll tolerate. endure. not giving in anymore. no more jumping to conclusions. then, maybe things around me will get along better and life wont be such a torture.
so, hello mr nice guy. bye bye stupid assholic bastard.

Potted Dillusion

Impossible for Ignorance

well, dear. im so confused now. i dont know whats going on anymore. are you still there? are you still loving me? i really hope so you know. i miss you. i miss you a hell lot. honestly, i havent done a thing without thinking about you. seriously. that may sound very whatever-ish, but well, its true. no matter how hard i try, i miss you too much to really let you out of this heart. i dont get it... why do i love you so? im so confused you know. i really want to talk to you dear, but you dont seem to want to even though... well, i dont know. but i just really want to do this right. though as much as i dont want this to end, i know its probably for the better and thats what we should be mature enough to accept. but even so, can we at least please end it right. its just left out there stuck with all the pain and denial. left there hanging and stuck there at the back of this idiotic mind of mine. i cant have it there... i really cant. its taking everything away from me. i cant feel much about anything. no emotion. but even so, i still miss you ever so much. why? why? why? i hate this you know. i try but i fail... i fail. i seem to fail in all my relationships with everyone. why? am i fated to have this shit in my life? am i?? i dont know. but all i know is that i really really still love you... i cant believe i still love you so damn much. but... i just do. and theres really nothing i can do about it. well, hope things turn out better over this week. hope... but love is still the greatest.

What happens during Recess

Farewell my dear

FOR: YOU
i really cant take anymore of this. i know its difficult for both of us. you think i want it to come to this? no. but i really had expected it to end this way. althought not so fast. haiz.. oh wells.. what can one do when things have become like this. i mean i really didnt expect it to end so early. everybody had said we wouldnt last, no way. but i really had thought it turn out better than this. but theres really nothing i can do anymore. as much as i still love you, i doubt you still have the same feelings you once had. i miss you. i miss the old you even more. you changed my dear. you changed quite a bit. somehow i could not keep up with that. and, alas, see what it has made us into. i blame myself. me, myself and i. so stupid to drag you into my life and ruining yours. the world probably should lose this dumbass so there wouldnt be so many dumbasses in the world. well, at least with the number one dumbass gone, things would be easier for everybody. i was such a waste of time. im sorry. if i could do anything about this, i would. but, i cant. i cant turn back time to right all my wrongs. all my wrongs i've been doing from the very start. and if i could, i would erase all memories of me in you. then, you wouldnt feel anymore pain. and you can continue with your wonderful life, while i go through shit after shit. cause there's really no use regretting. all i have left is a little bit of hope. hope that you'd forgive me and accept this dumbass in me. but i really doubt that happening. i really dont want you to waste your time on me anymore. i dont want to hurt you anymore. so just leave. please... find another guy worthy for you. cause i really wasnt the right one for you. though i still love you, i know this is the right way we should go. so we wont have to suffer no more. and more importantly, you'd have a happy life. a great life without me. well then, i really wished this hadnt ended so early. cause i've already planned for 2 dates which were suppose to be really important and unforgettable. but it seems that i just made those to dates into painful memories of regrets. well, theres nothing more i can do. nothing more. maybe they were right. maybe i really am too emotional. maybe i really think too much. maybe we really werent meant to be. i dont know. i really dont. but now, theres no use thinking about this. its over. it probably never be the same again. never... i hate that word, cause this probably means its goodbye, goodbye forever. i'll miss you dear. i'll miss you more than i've ever felt anything for anyone. so, if you read this, hope you'd just find someone new. someone who'd love you more than i ever did. someone who'd take care of you like i never did. someone who'd make sure you have happiness forever. someone who wouldnt ever hurt you. so, i really got nothing more to say. loving you like i always did and always will. goodbye my little darling. goodbye for forever.
FROM: ME

Introduction

this blog is just for me to say what i feel. so, no tagboard or all those shit here. want to say anything, the comments thingy is there for you. so, peace. and heres a Thanks to Abigail. really. even though you're probably never going to read this, but oh wells... thanks. and im out.